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personal essays and reflections of a queer woman

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Last post: Oct 29, 2026
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money rules to keep me sane
Oct 29, 2026 · original
none of this is meant to be financial advice at all. this is more like accountability for me as i get older and want to be more responsible and less crazy about my money stuff. it feels like i always say this, but i didn't grow up rich, and i've always been scared about growing up to be an adult who can't handle their own money. so i'm constantly auditing myself and my process because i don't want to fuck up and make the same money mistakes my parents did. so far, these are the "money rules" i live by that keep me sane. i might add to these depending on how my finances go in the future, who knows. "if you can't buy it twice, you can't afford it." i did this with my pc, which made the saving-up-for-it journey basically twice as long. but it's nice to spend on something big and not feel bad after because i'm not back to zero. like, it genuinely was worth the wait once i booted it up the fi
i love our cats so much it makes me cry
Oct 18, 2026 · original
i've wanted to write this for so long. at first, i thought i might want this as a lengthy, no-one-is-reading-this-and-that's-okay instagram caption to combo with contextless pictures of our cats. then i thought it could be a tweet or a thread or something or the other. it's just that, i really love our cats. and i don't mean it like on a deep or intellectual level. you know that overused gif/clip from despicable me where the little girl was like, it's so fluffy i wanna DIE or something like that? that's it. our cats are nothing fancy. they showed up as a group one day. really tiny, raggy looking kittens with eyes barely open. an ominous gang of fluff and claws. we let them stay outside our back door, sleeping, playing, keeping shelter from the occasional rain and wind. then we started naming them. we bathed them, and when one got visibly ill, we took him to the vet. then covid hit, and t
i should stop being too self-aware
Aug 16, 2026 · original
the other day, i was watching a video essay on the dangers of too much self-awareness. some things the vid pointed out: self-awareness can lead to over-researching in favor of actually doing the thing being researched self-aware people don’t live enough because they can get too busy self-monitoring self-aware people are always trying to label things to try and “justify” things, e.g. themselves, the things that happened to them, their lifestyle, decisions, etc ironically, as i was watching the video, i felt the urge to label my own self-awareness. omg this is literally me and this explains why i am the way i am! then i kind of kicked myself in the shin and decided this needed to change. i’ve always thrown around my self-awareness like it’s a flex, or like it’s my main personality trait. to be fair, it feels good especially when i’m in a room of people i deem less self-aware. this needs to
recent developments in my life
Aug 13, 2026 · original
i've been doing and getting into new things lately. mostly quality of life stuff, and most don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but they are new to me, so i thought it would be fun to list them down. i got into perfumes. well, if you can call getting a sample-size decant, "got into". i'm still trying to figure out what i like and don't like, but i've learned that musky doesn't mean what i thought musky meant. i've also learned that i have a preference for perfumes that don't project as much or come off as "strong". i especially like the terms second skin and skin scent . i shifted from daily logs to weekly logs. after years of failing and retrying and failing to commit to maintaining a daily journal or log in an obsidian vault, i've decided to do weekly logs instead. it's working out a lot better so far, and i'm even getting excited about doing them every end of the week. i
making youtube fun again (for me)
Aug 11, 2026 · original
this is how i've been using youtube the past few months. i allow the algorithm to happen to me. i scroll through my youtube homepage and look at thumbnails and titles, mostly clickbait, sometimes an obscure music compilation with less than 1,000 views. when a video looks like something i might want to watch, i click on the three dots to the right of the video title and channel name. i save the video to one of two playlists: quick watches for videos running fewer than 11 minutes longform for videos running longer than 11 minutes i don't watch the videos immediately. i just keep the two lists growing for a few days, sometimes weeks. when i'm finally in the mood to watch youtube videos, or i'm looking for something to play while i do my workouts or the dishes, i look through the playlists and only watch what i previously put in them. i don't look at the youtube homepage anymore. if the sink
here's to friends (old and new)
Apr 22, 2026 · original
for the longest time, i'd convinced myself that i didn't "need" friends. not necessarily in the misanthrope sense, i guess, but more like, i didn't want to place too much importance in other people. whatever that means. i had friends, and i love and care about them very much, but i just never had the feeling like they were my "best" friends. i don't really know how to explain this, except that, i had convinced myself that it was probably okay not to "rank" my friends like that, and that all my friends, no matter the context, were my friends, and no one had to be my "best" or "closest" friend. years later, i realize how this has fucked up things for me, socially. i've technically always been on good terms with the people around me, but i just never put in the extra effort or went the extra mile to try and be their "best" or "closest" friend, i guess. for a while, specifically during the p
project hail mary (2026) dir. phil lord & christopher miller
Mar 23, 2026 · original
the last time we watched a film on the big screen was sinners from last year, so it seems only fitting that the big-screen-film that followed was this. i know people always talk about how fresh it is when a space film isn't the usual clinical, cold, hi-tech aesthetic, and i think project hail mary does this really well. there's an insanely fun and soulful diy spirit about the film, and half of that comes from ryan gosling's character being a middle school teacher. to clarify, i hadn't read the book prior to watching this film, and i don't know that i ever will because i really, really like this movie and i don't know if i can live with reading the book if it's not going to bring out what i felt with the film. i will try to remember this next time a highly anticipated book-to-screen adaptation comes abuzz: read the book first . anyway, ryland grace being a middle school teacher bleeds int
"you are your parents' worst traits"
Mar 17, 2026 · original
some people grew up with separated or divorced parents. my parents stuck with each other even though they didn't get along, and that made me someone who grew up wishing their parents would separate or divorce. not to open discourse on nature vs nurture or anything like that, or the impact of having or not having functional parents growing up. but as i grow older, i'm starting to realize the good and bad things i've picked up from watching my parents' behavior as adults when i was a kid, and what i'm doing to not be like them. things my parents did that i've realized i kind of do as an adult (i'm trying not to...) not finish what they start shut down in social settings 1 have bad travel habits 2 give my sister a free pass for her bad behavior/attitude things my parents did that i try my best not to do as an adult and a partner yell; raise their voices at each other not communicate with ea
pro tip for people who don't like being told what to do
Feb 27, 2026 · original
speaking as someone who doesn't like being told what to do, the best way to stop people telling you what to do is to just do the thing before they get to tell you to do it. this is exactly like my years of growing up being told to "eat more" and "eat faster" and "eat more frequently" because i was too thin and skinny and underweight and it was bad for me. and i know they're right and were always right, but something in my young, restless mind just didn't enjoy being told what and when and how to eat, so i spent years eating in spite. i didn't enjoy eating whenever we ate and i never got seconds of anything. eating felt like a chore because i knew it was immediately open season for everyone at the table to comment on how i was eating wrong or too slow or too little and it just made eating so unenjoyable. my mom tried so many different kinds of vitamins to get me to fatten up or, at the ve
i'm thinking of nina simone
Feb 26, 2026 · original
i've been trying to not let youtube dictate what i watch recently by making my "own" algorithm. but this isn't a post about that, because as always, i got distracted. instead of doing what i set out to do, as i was browsing youtube earlier, the algorithm actually recommended me a video breaking down nina simone's montreux concert from 1976. in the past month or so, i've developed the habit of having these one-off videos "breaking down" various topics playing at volume 10-12 while i solve nonograms or try to rank up on tetr.io 1 . i consider this part of my winding down routine, so even when the videos turn out to be interesting, i tend not to focus on them too much since i only really need something playing/rambling/venting in the background of my brain shutting off for the day. today, though, a specific section of the nina simone montreux video caught my attention and had me tabbing out

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