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personal essays and reflections of a queer woman

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i should stop being too self-aware
Aug 16, 2026 · original
the other day, i was watching a video essay on the dangers of too much self-awareness. some things the vid pointed out: self-awareness can lead to over-researching in favor of actually doing the thing being researched self-aware people don’t live enough because they can get too busy self-monitoring self-aware people are always trying to label things to try and “justify” things, e.g. themselves, the things that happened to them, their lifestyle, decisions, etc ironically, as i was watching the video, i felt the urge to label my own self-awareness. omg this is literally me and this explains why i am the way i am! then i kind of kicked myself in the shin and decided this needed to change. i’ve always thrown around my self-awareness like it’s a flex, or like it’s my main personality trait. to be fair, it feels good especially when i’m in a room of people i deem less self-aware. this needs to
recent developments in my life
Aug 13, 2026 · original
i've been doing and getting into new things lately. mostly quality of life stuff, and most don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but they are new to me, so i thought it would be fun to list them down. i got into perfumes. well, if you can call getting a sample-size decant, "got into". i'm still trying to figure out what i like and don't like, but i've learned that musky doesn't mean what i thought musky meant. i've also learned that i have a preference for perfumes that don't project as much or come off as "strong". i especially like the terms second skin and skin scent . i shifted from daily logs to weekly logs. after years of failing and retrying and failing to commit to maintaining a daily journal or log in an obsidian vault, i've decided to do weekly logs instead. it's working out a lot better so far, and i'm even getting excited about doing them every end of the week. i
making youtube fun again (for me)
Aug 11, 2026 · original
this is how i've been using youtube the past few months. i allow the algorithm to happen to me. i scroll through my youtube homepage and look at thumbnails and titles, mostly clickbait, sometimes an obscure music compilation with less than 1,000 views. when a video looks like something i might want to watch, i click on the three dots to the right of the video title and channel name. i save the video to one of two playlists: quick watches for videos running fewer than 11 minutes longform for videos running longer than 11 minutes i don't watch the videos immediately. i just keep the two lists growing for a few days, sometimes weeks. when i'm finally in the mood to watch youtube videos, or i'm looking for something to play while i do my workouts or the dishes, i look through the playlists and only watch what i previously put in them. i don't look at the youtube homepage anymore. if the sink
here's to friends (old and new)
Apr 22, 2026 · original
for the longest time, i'd convinced myself that i didn't "need" friends. not necessarily in the misanthrope sense, i guess, but more like, i didn't want to place too much importance in other people. whatever that means. i had friends, and i love and care about them very much, but i just never had the feeling like they were my "best" friends. i don't really know how to explain this, except that, i had convinced myself that it was probably okay not to "rank" my friends like that, and that all my friends, no matter the context, were my friends, and no one had to be my "best" or "closest" friend. years later, i realize how this has fucked up things for me, socially. i've technically always been on good terms with the people around me, but i just never put in the extra effort or went the extra mile to try and be their "best" or "closest" friend, i guess. for a while, specifically during the p
project hail mary (2026) dir. phil lord & christopher miller
Mar 23, 2026 · original
the last time we watched a film on the big screen was sinners from last year, so it seems only fitting that the big-screen-film that followed was this. i know people always talk about how fresh it is when a space film isn't the usual clinical, cold, hi-tech aesthetic, and i think project hail mary does this really well. there's an insanely fun and soulful diy spirit about the film, and half of that comes from ryan gosling's character being a middle school teacher. to clarify, i hadn't read the book prior to watching this film, and i don't know that i ever will because i really, really like this movie and i don't know if i can live with reading the book if it's not going to bring out what i felt with the film. i will try to remember this next time a highly anticipated book-to-screen adaptation comes abuzz: read the book first . anyway, ryland grace being a middle school teacher bleeds int
"you are your parents' worst traits"
Mar 17, 2026 · original
some people grew up with separated or divorced parents. my parents stuck with each other even though they didn't get along, and that made me someone who grew up wishing their parents would separate or divorce. not to open discourse on nature vs nurture or anything like that, or the impact of having or not having functional parents growing up. but as i grow older, i'm starting to realize the good and bad things i've picked up from watching my parents' behavior as adults when i was a kid, and what i'm doing to not be like them. things my parents did that i've realized i kind of do as an adult (i'm trying not to...) not finish what they start shut down in social settings 1 have bad travel habits 2 give my sister a free pass for her bad behavior/attitude things my parents did that i try my best not to do as an adult and a partner yell; raise their voices at each other not communicate with ea
pro tip for people who don't like being told what to do
Feb 27, 2026 · original
speaking as someone who doesn't like being told what to do, the best way to stop people telling you what to do is to just do the thing before they get to tell you to do it. this is exactly like my years of growing up being told to "eat more" and "eat faster" and "eat more frequently" because i was too thin and skinny and underweight and it was bad for me. and i know they're right and were always right, but something in my young, restless mind just didn't enjoy being told what and when and how to eat, so i spent years eating in spite. i didn't enjoy eating whenever we ate and i never got seconds of anything. eating felt like a chore because i knew it was immediately open season for everyone at the table to comment on how i was eating wrong or too slow or too little and it just made eating so unenjoyable. my mom tried so many different kinds of vitamins to get me to fatten up or, at the ve
i'm thinking of nina simone
Feb 26, 2026 · original
i've been trying to not let youtube dictate what i watch recently by making my "own" algorithm. but this isn't a post about that, because as always, i got distracted. instead of doing what i set out to do, as i was browsing youtube earlier, the algorithm actually recommended me a video breaking down nina simone's montreux concert from 1976. in the past month or so, i've developed the habit of having these one-off videos "breaking down" various topics playing at volume 10-12 while i solve nonograms or try to rank up on tetr.io 1 . i consider this part of my winding down routine, so even when the videos turn out to be interesting, i tend not to focus on them too much since i only really need something playing/rambling/venting in the background of my brain shutting off for the day. today, though, a specific section of the nina simone montreux video caught my attention and had me tabbing out
my /now page is stressing me out
Jan 30, 2026 · original
recently, i've been trying to read more bearblogs, both on the trending and most recent pages. i've come to really enjoy reading them, even if there are occasionally posts i don't agree with. anyway, i've noticed some /now 1 posts and pages in the most recent section pop up occasionally. naturally, this has made me think of whether or not my bearblog needed its own /now page. my only problem is that i struggle with the part about the friend i hadn't seen in a year. you know what i mean. A /now page shares what you’d tell a friend you hadn’t seen in a year. it sounds pretty straightforward and i'm sure it is for a lot of people, but just that one line stresses me out so much. because i start thinking about what i want to tell friends i hadn't seen in a year, and i'm not sure what that may or could or should be. i mean, i know the typical dilemma of, "oh, i don't know what to put in my /no
i... like my corporate, office, 9 to 5 desk job
Jan 15, 2026 · original
not a fan of this topic being my first post for the year, but it feels timely for me right now. when i lost my fully work from home job last year, the one thing i dreaded was potentially having to settle for something i had to leave the house for. during the first few weeks of the job hunt, i had intentionally ignored and scrolled past job postings that required in-office work. i even skipped past hybrid offerings. of course, then i started thinking about not making money and how much that sucks for me, g, and our cats. so i tried applying to office gigs and hybrid options. this was towards the end of my job search, and i was already feeling pretty down in the dumps, so i had honestly applied thinking that they were going to turn me down anyway. i ended up getting two offers in a week. i had never felt so anxious about my indecision. two, almost three months, of rejections and no replies

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