Alex Carabi

alexcarabi.com · American English

I’m a coach and the founder of Kodawari Coaching. I help fiercely ambitious creators to figure out who they are, how to think more effectively, and how to achieve their goals.

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Last post: Jun 16, 2026
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Autobiography of a Constellator
Jun 16, 2026 · original
Much of my work recently has been facilitating constellations. Constellations, in this context, have nothing to do with stars or astrology. Rather, it’s a method of working with people that resolves frozen and repeated patterns in families, organisations, and systems. (The word “constellation” is a direct translation from the German aufstellung , which means formation or line-up.) It’s incredible, magical work that I count myself very lucky to be able to do. Here’s my journey into it, how it changed my life, and how (I think) it works. I remember the first constellation I took part in, almost 10 years ago now. A group of twenty people sat gathered in a circle. The facilitator 1 asked for two volunteers to “represent a role”. Two people from the circle stood up, and each took a folded piece of paper from the facilitator. They didn’t look at it, they just put it in their pockets. Then the
Spring Retreat 2026
Mar 4, 2026 · original
We are hosting a Spring Retreat on June 3rd-7th here at the Allsta Gård farm. The retreat is designed for professionals and leaders to step back and connect with what matters. It’s space to get in touch with yourself, your body, and what wants to emerge in your leadership and life. In the hectic pace of everyday professional life, it can be hard to carve out the time and space required to actually feel and listen to yourself. By spending three full days in the tranquil countryside of Northern Sweden, you’ll have the chance to step into a different rhythm. There will be space to breathe, reflect, and let go. We’ll uncover some of the deeper emotions and messages that lie beneath the surface of your challenges. We’ll move our bodies and hands in meaningful ways on the farm. You’ll get an embodied experience of what it means to live (and lead) regeneratively. We’ll grapple with mystical tea
Notes From the North
Feb 9, 2026 · original
The weather can be quite extreme up here in the north. This week the temperature dropped to -32°C. In late December there was an extreme storm that caused power outages for days. A week later one meter of snow fell overnight. I had expected the winter to be a time for contemplation and cozyness, in contrast to the intensity of the summer tourist season. This has proven to be partially true, but the winter also has an intensity of its own. Shoveling snow, brushing snow off solar panels and greenhouses, making sure that chickens are warm, and piling wood all take time and attention. Still, as the snow gently falls outside and fire crackles behind me, it feels like a good time to reflect and share a bit of what I’ve been up to over the past year. We moved into Allsta Gård on December 16th, 2024. Since then, it’s been a wild ride. We’ve continued with the Bed & Breakfast in the beautiful han
The Spring Speech
May 2, 2025 · original
In Sweden, there is a strong tradition of celebrating Walpurgis Night on April 30th. Bonfires are lit throughout the country, and local communities come together to mark the start of spring. In my younger years, the day was an excuse to party. Since then, I haven’t taken part in the celebrations as I have mostly lived abroad. But apparently it is customary for someone from the community to hold a spring speech. As luck would have it, this year I was asked to hold the speech for the celebrations in our village of Bjärtrå. Below follows a few clips of my coach/therapist/wanna-be-philosopher/aspiring-farmer’s attempt to honor the spring (01:00-04:55). A transcription of the full speech in English and Swedish can be found further below. Video credit: Erik Åmell There is much more to share about the beginning of our life up here at Allsta Gård at 62 degrees north. More will come in the weeks
We Bought a Farm
Dec 20, 2024 · original
Earlier this week, my partner Jana and I received the keys to Allsta Gård . It’s an integrated Bed & Breakfast, event venue, and organic farm outside of Kramfors, Sweden . It’s slightly baffling that we’re finally here. It’s been quite the ride. Almost one year ago, we decided to leave the settled normalcy of city life in Stockholm. We felt the intuitive call of the future: A place where we could call home, but also where we could live out our work and interests fully. A place to bring people together to heal and evolve. A place for our son to grow up with a daily connection to nature. A place to connect with and even regenerate the land. A place to contribute to weaving a cultural fabric of connection, restoration, and life. We started searching in August 2023 for a property. Six months later we sold our Stockholm apartment – to go all-in for the search but also to learn some of the ski
I Cannot Make You Happy
Dec 3, 2024 · original
In our happiness-oriented culture, making other people happy is considered a virtuous goal. Making our partners happy, our children happy, our customers happy, our employees happy – it’s all seen as a universal good regardless of context. You can even see this in quips like “happy wife, happy life”. I burst with laughter when I heard that the first time. It seemed so uncomfortably true! Now, I feel differently. “Happy wife, happy life” is a condescending stance, to both parties involved. This might seem like a strange thing to claim. What could be wrong with trying to make a loved one happy? The words of the modern mystic Thomas Hübl can help shed light on this. A couple of years ago he said something in a lecture that rocked me to my core: “If I can’t disappoint you, I can’t truly love you.” This can take some unpacking to fully grasp. When we are full selves, we will inevitably stretch
A Regenerative Approach to Life
Oct 2, 2024 · original
Over the past couple of years, I have developed a fascination with regenerative agriculture. It started as an intellectual curiosity, first inspired by Will Rolph’s work with Two Fields , a regenerative oil olive producer. In an early Yellow session he explored regenerative agriculture through the lens of the question: “What brings us alive?” In the years since, I have spent days and weeks at a time on farms throughout Sweden, getting my hands in the soil and getting rammed by rams (literally). I am doing what I can to get a first-hand picture of what it takes to help steward thriving ecosystems. This might seem strange for someone who works with people as a coach and therapist. I’ll admit that I am as surprised as anyone else. But in my explorations so far, one thing has become clear: human development and ecosystem development are two sides of the same coin. Both are ultimately questio
The Illusion of Stress Management
Jan 10, 2024 · original
I’ve been asked several times recently to give talks and workshops about stress management. When I present my views, there is one particular idea that always seems to spark discussion. This has happened enough times that I thought it would be worth sharing here, too. In short: The notion of “stress management” is a false promise. And “stress management techniques” (like physical exercise, cold showers, and ice baths) can be more of a drug than a remedy. To explain why, it can be helpful to think of the nervous system as a container. This container can process a certain amount of internal activation. Under some conditions, however, more activation builds up in the nervous system than we have the capacity to digest. This is what we typically call being stressed. If we then go for a run, it gives our body a chance to release much of that activation. This sounds great in principle. But it do
Feeling the System
Dec 18, 2023 · original
This is an academic paper I presented at The International Studying Leadership Conference 2023 in Copenhagen, Denmark. Download (PDF) We find ourselves in a “time between worlds” – an epoch in which the old paradigm is cracking and new horizons beckon from beyond (Stein, 2019). In such transformational times, leaders face the challenge of how to provide direction, clarity, and inspiration in a world that is falling apart. Within the current paradigm, the go-to solution in such predicaments has been to improve logical reasoning capabilities and to accumulate more information. Epistemologically, so-called objective facts, data, and “irreducible brute matter” (Whitehead, 1967) have been prioritized by the post-modern materialist worldview. The modus operandi is to expand frontiers and achieve growth and progress above all else (McGilchrist, 2021). A utilitarian ethics has followed, which, e
Keeping the Water Clear
Nov 29, 2023 · original
Indigestion is painful. Bloated, stuck, and slow. Distracted and preoccupied. Snappy and short-tempered until the discomfort subsides. When our gastrointestinal system doesn’t digest properly, it’s hard to be fully present. The same is true of our emotional world. When we don’t digest our emotional experiences, symptoms arise. Stress accumulates. Resentment builds in our relationships. We start carrying emotional weight that prevents us from meeting the moment as it is. It’s like a glass of water. When the water is muddy, it’s hard to see clearly in the relationship. The more muddy the water is, the higher the chance that judgement and resentment sets in. When we do the work to digest our emotional experiences, we keep the water clear. The clearer we are with ourselves and each other about our emotions, the more our relationships flow. Clearing the water is what it means to be relational
In Praise of Limits
Oct 25, 2023 · original
Freedom is held to be one of the highest virtues in today’s world. Most of us define freedom as an absence of limitation. The fewer constraints we have, the more free we think we are. Obligations or dependencies are considered to be obstacles that block the path to more freedom. I hear these words from entrepreneurs who assume that when they have made enough money, then they will finally be free. I hear these words from friends who tell me that they don’t want to start a family because they don’t want to lose their autonomy. I hear these words from technologists who relentlessly push limits and expand frontiers in the name of profit, impact, and choice. And I hear these words from my former self, who longed for a day when I would finally be good enough to be free to be me. These sentiments might seem entirely normal and unavoidable. Indeed, the notion of freedom as an absence of constrai
Restoring the Good
Aug 24, 2023 · original
I hear the words “in order to” a lot these days. People meditate “in order to” be focused and productive. Teenagers study “in order to” get good grades and have successful careers. Entrepreneurs start businesses “in order to” make a profit and have an impact. Many of us try to live more sustainably “in order to” save the planet and/or humanity itself. There is nothing inherently wrong with these justifications. But when all of our choices are made “in order to” achieve something else, then we are never actually “here”. Every choice becomes a way of getting “over there”. Life turns into a never-ending race of looking ahead rather than confronting what the moment calls for, now. In school, I used to think that ethics was a boring, irrelevant subject. Now I think differently. I believe it’s one of the most important disciplines a human being can devote themselves to – especially in today’s
My Book “On Relationality” Is Out Now
May 15, 2023 · original
My new book is out now. It’s called On Relationality: Lessons from Martin Buber on Living in Relation with Self, Others, the World, and Life Itself. You can buy the paperback version here or the digital version here . (These are US links – see below for a full list of countries). The book is about the relational nature of reality, and how we can embody different stances toward what we meet in leadership and the rest of life. It’s inspired by the work of philosopher Martin Buber (1878-1965). His ideas hit me hard when I read them a few years back. His claim—that we are always relating, all of the time—provides a powerful lens with which to view both our society at large and our interpersonal relationships closer to home. Much of modern life is defined by objectifying relationships. We easily treat ourselves as machines, other people as objects, and the planet as a resource to plunder. But
The Feeling Underneath
Mar 30, 2023 · original
A few weeks ago I attended a seven-day silent meditation retreat. As usual, it was a wild ride. For the first three or four days, I found myself in an endless loop of recurring thoughts. I tried noticing the thoughts non-judgmentally. That was proving easier said than done. Despite having a steady meditation practice at home, I got lost in thought for hours, judged myself for my distraction, and fell asleep countless times. Eventually, I remembered my teacher Thomas Hübl’s advice. I asked myself: What are the feelings and sensations underneath these thoughts? And what would happen if I allowed myself to actually feel those feelings? Soon I realized that the feelings underneath were anger and pressure. I got curious about the pressure and how it lived in my body. I gave space for the anger and allowed it to be there. I tended to the tight and tense parts of myself like I might with a youn
Don’t Fix It, Dude
Feb 22, 2023 · original
There’s a story I’ve heard from men in my coaching practice many times. It goes something like this: The man’s partner is emotional or facing a challenge. When the man hears about it, he tries to provide a solution. It seems like the most natural thing to do: something is wrong, so he explains how to fix it. Problem solved, he thinks. But of course, the partner doesn’t want to be fixed. The partner wants to be heard, listened to, and understood. Often, the man knows this in theory. But in practice, he struggles. So, he either freezes, goes numb, distracts himself, zones out, gets angry, uses logical argumentation, or reverts to providing solutions. He either fixes or leaves. Whatever our gender, many of us will have found ourselves in similar situations. I know I have. Whether it’s our own emotion or that of others, staying with the trouble can be a challenge. When feeling out of one’s d
The Business of Language
Jan 23, 2023 · original
Words say something. In the beginning was the Word, after all. Peek into any standard business meeting today, and you’ll hear the following phrases: “Quick wins and must- win battles” . “ Frontline operations”. “Expanding empires .” “Sales campaigns and targets” . “Strategies to beat the competition and take over markets”. Even “ war rooms”. The business world is steeped in military and colonial metaphors, often without second thought. The same is true in medicine. “The war on cancer”. “The fight against disease”. “The immune system’s ability to defeat invading cells”. And it’s no different in how we talk about the environment. “Eco- warriors must mobilize in the fight against climate change.” These observations might seem like quaint yet irrelevant curiosities. That would be to mistake the tip for the iceberg, however. How we do anything is how we do everything. As Mark Johnson and Geor
Feeling as Data
Nov 14, 2022 · original
I recently heard a story from a friend. She runs an architecture firm, and she’s been interviewing people for entry-level architect positions. Most of the candidates are fresh out of architecture school. During the interviews, the typical candidate will present some of their previous work. They will be quick to cite the technical specifications and functional requirements. Then my friend will ask, “What feelings were you hoping to evoke in the room or building?” Most of the time, the candidate will just stare back in silence. Eventually they’ll say something like, “I don’t understand what you mean.” Or simply, “I haven’t really thought about that.” In Yellow , my colleague Rob and I are in constant creative response to what emerges. Because the program is not planned beforehand, we are always designing new sessions in response to what happened in the previous ones. At this stage we’ve ru
The Distraction of Distraction
Sep 20, 2022 · original
I’ve noticed a pattern in my coaching practice. In the first session, the other person (whether a seasoned CEO or an up-and-coming leader) will start by saying that they want to be more focused and disciplined. They find themselves distracted at work and at home. With so much demanding their attention, they feel scattered and stretched thin. They’ve realized that they’re not fully present with their colleagues and families. Something needs to change. I then ask them what they hope to get from the coaching process. They say that they want tools to deal with their distraction. They want better routines and new habits to support them in becoming more disciplined and focused. Now, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with tools and routines to address distraction. Sometimes they can be transformative. If they work – great. But so often attempts to “fix” inner issues with outer tools don’t succe
What If You Didn’t Need to Get Anywhere?
May 25, 2022 · original
What if you didn’t need to get anywhere? The question might sound absurd. Modern life seems to tell us, rather relentlessly, that we need to get somewhere. Fast. Climb the career ladder. Become more successful. Accumulate more. Fix and improve who we are. It can seem like a natural, unquestionable state of affairs; a necessary part of life. It’s not. In Yellow , we gather people together in small groups that gather for an online session every two weeks for six months. It’s not a pre-scripted program. There are no learning objectives or desired outcomes set in advance. It’s a space where we listen to what’s emerging, and respond together. Naturally, my colleague Rob and I don’t show up empty-handed to the sessions. Instead, we bring a starting point based on what happened in the previous session. That might be a theme to explore through conversation. Or it might be a painting to look at.
Responsibility and Triggers in Leadership
Apr 4, 2022 · original
Inevitably, there are moments in leadership and life where we get triggered. When there’s a conflict, you might become scared and anxious. If someone questions your decisions, perhaps you get angry and resentful. Or when a colleague is emotional, maybe you feel frozen or numb. Whatever the context, we all come across situations where we get triggered. In these moments we are reacting without awareness in a disproportionate way to the situation at hand. We’re not capable of noticing or enacting what the moment is calling for. In fact, when we’re triggered, we are not responding to the moment at all. Instead we’re reacting impulsively based on the patterns of our past. What can we do in these situations? We can take responsibility . Responsibility is often associated with weight, burden, and taking the blame. But as has been often pointed out elsewhere, perhaps a more helpful definition is

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