annie's blog

anniemueller.com · American English

annie's blog is a blog on the Pika blogging platform

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Waiting to be found by only you
Aug 4, 2026 · original
Who knows how reality will continue to develop? There’s no way to prepare. When you can’t be prepared, be prepared to find poetry in the chaos. Secret messages, serendipitous grace, lines of meaning in a whirlwind of uncertainty. “It's gonna change, baby doll It's gonna change, honey ball It's gonna change, sugar cane It's gonna change, sweetie legs.” —Yoko Ono This is a test but so is everything. Everyone is watching you and everyone will judge you and you have to make peace with it. Also, no one is watching you and no one cares and you have to make peace with that, too. You will always displease some people. In the end, you are watching and judging and ignoring and being displeased, too. It evens out. Give up on pursuing happiness as quickly as possible. Seek to live, instead. It's quite the experience, but it will include much, much more than happiness. Give yourself comfort in small
I have no idea who celebrities are anymore
Jul 14, 2026 · original
Julia Roberts? She was in that one movie with that guy, and the other one with the other guy, and like 100 more. Whatever. But she’s old news. Like all the other celebrity names I actually recognize, which isn’t a lot, but is some. Just a minute ago a headline floated by: Person A is doing Thing with Person B, what will Person C think? I have no idea: Who the people are, their relationship or lack thereof, their various claims to fame. I do not possess any crumbs of context helping me interpret the situation or nod knowingly about what C’s thoughts will be. I Got Nothing. Which is fine. Preferable, even. I’ve never been a very good fan, it’s just not my thing. But cultural knowledge always seeps in. You just know some stuff like who’s famous and why, and you even have some sort of opinion about them. Until you don’t. I have reached the don’t point. It’s peaceful here.
Exclamatory birthday edition // W26 — 2026
Jun 29, 2026 · original
Today I turn 45 which is, if you think about it, half of 90! And also about 30 years older than I feel on the inside! What is age? What is time? What is reality? I certainly don’t know. Current situation: Pretty flowers Goobie says No journal ONLY PET. Monday 22 June: Study anatomy! Work! Lily to therapy! Go to the gym! Eat dinner! Study some more! Fall into bed thinking about tissues and bones! Tuesday 23 June: Hospital day 🏥 💛 Got to see a double fasciotomy (helped with the dressing change) which was fascinating. Got yelled at, cursed at, and called a sweet angel (all by the same patient). 🤷‍♀️ Wednesday 24 June: Work! Call with new boss! (It went fine!) Memorize more bones! Go to the gym! DID YOU KNOW LIFTING WEIGHTS MAKES YOUR ACTUAL BONES PRODUCE MORE BONE CELLS SO THEY ARE DENSER AND STRONGER AND YOU ARE MORE FLEXIBLE AND RESILIENT? You won’t get taller but you will get stronger
A bundle of bones // W24 + 25 — 2026
Jun 24, 2026 · original
I have to publish this now, we’re already halfway through W26. Current situation: JUST KIDDING I am actually inside staring at a computer instead of lying on my back in a meadow staring up at the sky. But I did see these nice clouds earlier today. Monday 08 June: The U of Ark college visit. Zeke really likes it and they have a great engineering program. It poured down rain all morning. I bought umbrellas in the gift shop. I am bad at selfies. My shoes and about 6” of my dress were absolutely soaked. The best London Fog latte I’ve ever had. Tuesday 09 June: Coffee with a friend I’ve known since middle school. “Are we turning 45 this year?” Turns out, yes. We all begin as a bundle of bones lost somewhere in a desert, a dismantled skeleton that lies under the sand. It is our work to recover the parts. — Clarissa Pinkola Estés Wednesday 10 June: After work, Lily and I tackled the overly comp
Do not bargain to be loved
Jun 19, 2026 · original
Gentle A gentler world begins in the way you touch your heart. Be soft with the light inside you. Caress your body with this breath. God is nothing else but the place where the sun comes up in your chest. You are the glimmering destination. You are the golden honey daubed on the bread of the ordinary. Whatever is perfect, whatever is heavenly, begins here. — Fred LaMotte Do not bargain to be loved. Do not negotiate. When love is withheld as a punishment, as a manipulation, as a means to move you in a certain direction: Do the worst and most difficult thing and quit asking for it. Withdraw your hand, put it in your pocket. Clamp your mouth shut, let your silence swell, do not ask for explanations. It's already been explained. Love is not contractual. Love does not have terms you must fulfill before you get to have it. Love exists and is made apparent in all situations where it is present.
This is it
Jun 18, 2026 · original
As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage. ― Bessel A. van der Kolk What we live through, what we experience, how we navigate a life that is one unknown after another, how we keep breathing in the midst of pain, how we learn to carry suffering, how we open our arms to each other, how we offer comfort in the face of tragedy: none of it really makes sense. How we look forward with hope, how we keep functioning without hope, what we do when it feels like there’s nothing to hope for, when meaning is lost, when it would feel nice to have the earth open and swallow us whole… How we find small things to delight in, how we notice a good thing in the middle of a shitstorm, how we put our heads down and plod forward through despair, how we t
A solid tradition // Week 23 — 2026
Jun 8, 2026 · original
A week in which some things happen and some things do not happen, much like other weeks. Current situation: Not pictured: The 3 different kinds of beef jerky we just got at Buc-ee’s. The pain of having children who become driving teenagers is the exorbitant cost of auto insurance. The joy is getting to stare out the window as the midwestern landscape moves by and think about nothing and everything for hours at a time. Monday 01 June: Dentist in the morning, then work. I make all the kids’ appointments for the same day, which was a logistical requirement for years and now is just a solid tradition. We all troop in and the receptionist says, “Ahhh, the Muellers are here.” I guess at some point my adult-ish children will start doing their own dentist thing but we haven’t crossed that line yet. I’m not rushing it. Tuesday 02 June: My Mom died 19 years ago. I miss her every single day. Mom an
Adorable tiny skulls // Week 22 — 2026
Jun 2, 2026 · original
Sunday came, Sunday went, but the notes can be week notes any day they want to be. Current situation: A LIE. This photo is from Sunday when I started these and then did not finish them. It’s Monday now and I’m in bed with rice water toner pads all over my face. I will not be sharing a photo at this time thank you for understanding. I do feel very moisturized. Monday 25 May: Memorial Day, also hospital day. Having to work certain holidays is a new thing for me. The long light days of summer begin. Last night it was light until well after 8. Pool is open now. Hasn’t been very warm yet but that will change quickly. We’re a week away from June. Tuesday 26 May: Thinking about the cost of optimizing: The more you optimize, the more difficult it is to be flexible. A danger of losing resilience. There’s an underlying principle at work here. Stress creates resilience. — Scott Hogan, Built from Br
Oh to be a snail feasting on a sycamore // Week 21 — 2026
May 24, 2026 · original
Are these weeknotes again ? Yes they are! Is this a fluke or is it a trend? Who knows! Who cares! Let’s do iiiiiittttttt. Current situation: Not pictured: Raspberry hibiscus iced tea. There is always a beverage. Monday 18 May: Went for a walk early, before the rain set in. I adore a rainy day. Got a lot of work done. Afternoon thing canceled due to power outage from the storm. Evening thing canceled due to it being outdoors. Busy day became cozy day. Did an interview for a freelance piece. Do you have questions about EoE? I might have answers 1 . Thinking about studying but not studying. I should just study. Tuesday 19 May: Hospital day. Walking out to my car I happened to go past a young couple leaving the hospital with their brand-new baby. Mom sitting in backseat, leaning over, looking, exhausted smile. A glimpse of tiny baby face nestled in. Dad checking and rechecking the car seat,
It’s either a poem or a piece of cheese // Week 20 — 2026
May 17, 2026 · original
Are these weeknotes? Yes they are! Will I do them again next week? Who knows! Sunday 10 May: Got home from hospital shift around 7:30pm. Exhausted, hangry. Walked into a clean tidy home, flowers and cards, and the kids cooking dinner (spring roll bowls which were so so so good). Plus! a NEW CHAIR for the balcony. We ate and talked and did that thing where you laugh so hard you cry. Then I sat on my new balcony chair & had some nice bourbon while they cleaned everything up. Anyway it was a great Mother's Night 💗 More spaces in my life for uncensored unfettered thinking. Less platform, more workshop. Less stage, more garage. Less producing, more tinkering. Tuesday 12 May: Took a sick day. Felt off, sore throat, achy yesterday. Woke up with the full experience. This was to be an uncomfortably busy day and instead I am canceling all the things I can. Left with a couple of items to do from t
It’s a lot to process
Apr 23, 2026 · original
… everything. I need to know less, but I know more. Trying to cultivate a life which allows me to know less while still participating in society requires me to know more and do more than simply laying back and passively allowing the unending flood of information to drown me. Please note that we are all being drowned. What is it that is drowning us? Information and misinformation. Part of the drowning is the effort required to try to distinguish between the two. You’re trying to keep your head above water and there are waves and in order to not be pulled under by a wave you have to quickly look at it (while it’s looming larger and larger above you) and decide: Real or not real? Looks real. Is it real? Decide! Quick! I think it’s worth noting that when people don’t seem interested in the distinction between real and not real it may not be that they don’t care about what’s real. It may be t
GOOSE IT UP
Apr 20, 2026 · original
I’m in school 1 again. I’m going back to school because my work, my entire career, for my entire adult life, has been writing things for the Internet. That’s going away, at least as a livable career option. By livable, I mean an option I can live with . When I started writing for the Internet, early 2000s, I could find decent paying gigs on Craigslist. A quarter a word wasn’t uncommon. It wasn’t easy — I spent a lot of time searching and researching and answering inane qualifiers and writing samples for zero money. So we’re not talking about a pot of gold at the end of the freelance writing rainbow. But you could gather enough gold thru your efforts to make it worthwhile. I wasn’t pleased when SEO became a thing I had to do to keep working. I am less pleased with AI. I have been lucky and somewhat insulated for the last year or two but things change, and I can see the trend. I still have
When (not) to break rules
Mar 24, 2026 · original
You’ve got to think about big things while you’re doing small things, so that all the small things go in the right direction. — Alvin Toffler A rule (or boundary) turns a theoretical or philosophical stance into a clearly defined behavior: Do this , and your behaviors align with your belief. Congruence. Do that , and you miss it. Conflict. Internal conflict doesn't feel good. Break dumb rules . Break arbitrary small rules (or don’t). Break rules that exist only to create convenience for one group of people. Break rules that are immoral even if they’re not illegal. Whenever you can, break rules that exist only to uphold a system . It’s important. Don’t break the rules that define who you are… …Unless that’s not who you want to be anymore. Break all the rules that define who you are if you didn’t choose them, don’t want them, or don’t like how they fit anymore. Break ‘em all the time. Brea
Contentment is a spectrum, too
Feb 11, 2026 · original
I am quite content to be alone except on a mild evening at twilight. During the quick hours of the day I am busy. Busy with things I enjoy doing, for the most part. Or busy with people I enjoy being around. I count myself among the luckiest alive. During the night I am dreaming. Night is dreaming time whether I am asleep or awake. The dreams are all mine. I stretch out in the bed and in my mind. I never had such space before. Even in my childhood, my dreams were so small, so bordered. Always tied to some other person, some predetermined identity, some set of standards to uphold. Now my dreams and I can wander at will. For this spaciousness, this freedom, I gladly pay the price of whatever loneliness may peek over the headboard or rattle in the closet. I don’t mean fantasies, here. Though the physical need for another person, another body, is real and present. That’s just a fact of being
This one goes out to the ones we love
Feb 6, 2026 · original
And he will never never never never never never never get to meet you And I got to meet you Yeah, I got to meet you. — Mikey Mike I write in praise of the ones we love: their weaknesses and fears and nobility, their moments of madness, their genius. Sometimes we hold each other and feel stronger, safer, better. Sometimes we stand in opposite corners and hurl things at each other: words, accusations, feelings, disappointments. And worse. We can be so cruel. We get so confused. But look at this magnificence! Look at it, look at them, look at us! Look in these eyes. Listen to these voices. Feel what it is to be in the presence of someone you love. Nothing is like it, nothing is like you, nothing is like me, nothing. Love is worth the risk. Here we are, us two, us three, us ten or twenty or hundred, us thousand or million or billion. In our small way, striving. In our broken way, fucking eve
Feeling something is okay I guess
Jan 31, 2026 · original
Most of us think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel, but we are actually feeling creatures that think. ― Jill Bolte Taylor If you’re not feeling as good about life as you want to be, that’s okay. If you feel stressed about a lot of things, that’s okay. If you get nervous, that’s okay. If you feel overwhelmed, that’s okay. If you freak out and yell, that’s okay. If you break down and cry, that’s okay. If the uncertainty of every little thing is panic-inducing, that’s okay. If your feelings fling you around, if you bounce between longing for the familiar and longing for the unknown, if you don’t know what you’ll feel any given moment, that’s okay too. If you feel rushed and boxed in and panicked and unsure and unsettled and overwhelmed and under pressure and inadequate and afraid, that’s okay. It’s not fun. It’s probably not how you want to feel. But here we are. You, me, the fee
To be defeated by ever greater things
Jan 2, 2026 · original
For the new year, a resolution How small that is, with which we wrestle, what wrestles with us, how immense; were we to let ourselves, the way things do, be conquered thus by the great storm,— we would become far-reaching and nameless. What we triumph over is the Small, and the success itself makes us petty. The Eternal and Unexampled will not be bent by us. …growth is: to be the deeply defeated by ever greater things. from The Man Watching by Rainer Maria Rilke
To sigh a deep sigh of releasing
Dec 22, 2025 · original
Today has felt like a deep, deep exhalation, an enormous, slow, long sigh of relief and releasing. Fitting, perhaps, that it is winter solstice, the shortest day of the year. I don’t have any rituals to mark it except for this one, what I’m doing right now: sitting on the couch with a cat curled by my legs, sipping whiskey, tapping these small words into a space that isn’t real (digital? website? internet? can’t possibly be real) but will somehow, perhaps, be read by actual real people in actual real places. Hello, friends. How are you? How are you, what are you, where are you, why are you, what’s happening with you, what are you thinking about, what’s humming in the back corners of your brain, what does your heart know right now, what makes your breath come faster or slower, how do you feel about this moment, what do you hope for, what do you fear, what would you ask for, what wishes do
Do you want to read a detailed post about eyelid surgery? Here it is. With photos.
Dec 14, 2025 · original
I find this sort of thing fascinating. I looked for detailed info before my own surgery because I like to know what I’m getting into. If you’re grossed out by surgical/medical descriptions or photos, skip this one. So I had this spot — like a pimple or small wart — appear under my right eye years ago. 2017, 2018? Sometime in there. It was very small, directly under/partially on the lash line near the inside corner of my right eye. Not really noticeable, didn’t hurt or itch or grow or change so I didn’t worry about it 1 . Anyway over the last year it got a bit bigger, so I had it checked out. My dermatologist did a biopsy. Result: basal cell carcinoma. So I needed to have the spot removed. Due to its location, it was likely the lid margin 2 would be affected. So after the removal, I’d need eyelid reconstruction surgery by an ophthalmic surgeon. Here’s how they do it: They schedule the Moh
Telling myself stories
Dec 12, 2025 · original
To tell the story of your life would take another life of equal length. There is no such thing as a true story because every story, to be told, must leave out something. And every something left out matters. It’s all the somethings that lead us to one point and then another; it’s all the somethings that merge into reality; it’s all the somethings , subconscious and conscious, that make up our experience. I can tell you a story, I can tell you my stories, I can tell you many versions of many moments of many stories of my life, and still: No one will ever know the life I live. And no one will ever know the life you live. This is true. I am a child. Alive in a loving family. Growing up in a small Mississippi town, 1980s edition. I am: Unsure, voracious, timid, curious, wild. I keep my wildness locked up in a small box, shelved in my heart’s interior room. I memorize courtesies. I swallow do

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